Here’s what it sounds like the Health Care Bill will do for me, which is all that matters, right?
- I will live forever. Medical attention for all my health needs is my right, guaranteed by the Constitution and my President. Whenever I get sick, I can go to the doctor, and I don’t have to worry about who will pay the bill. The older I get, the sicker I get, doesn’t really matter. As long as I stay out of unstoppable automobiles and avoid very heavy objects dropping on my head, I will always be able to be fixed. I have a healer, and his name is Obama.
- In the unlikely event that I die, it will be because my government thinks it is time to go. I’m glad to be relieved of this decision, because it’s getting more complicated. Since the government has guaranteed my health, and since nearly everyone can be kept alive for a long, long time, it makes sense that at some point someone has to decide that my time is up. Time to pull the plug, disconnect the machines, and say goodbye to the best health care in the world.
- In the next three or four years, my country will give me everything I need to be well, and it’s all free. So in the next couple of years I’m going to meet my doctor. I imagine that he and I will become pretty good friends, since I plan on visiting him once or twice a month. Since it’s not going to cost me anything, apparently, I may as well get my money’s worth.
- After three or four years, expenses for this whole thing begin to hit home. But by that time, it will be my kids, and then their kids, who will be paying for it. I’ll be close to retirement. I really like the way these laws work—you get all the wonderful benefits for several years before the actual costs begin to come due. It makes the whole thing seem almost—affordable.
- Since the government will be paying for my health, they have built into the law a lot of provisions for keeping me healthy. For instance, from now on all chain restaurants have to include calorie counts on their menus. And we’ve heard, “As goes New York, so goes the nation,” so soon all salt, fat, sugar, and refined white flour—basically everything that tastes good—will no longer be available, because the government wants us healthy. Even though this sounds like a bad thing, I’m happy about it. I’ve never really been successful at self-control, so letting the government control me might work out.
- Taking that idea to its logical conclusion (this is all very logical, right?) it seems to me since the government wants me to be healthy, and since the doctor is free, he could write me a prescription for a health club membership, and it would be covered by the government. I hear they have really nice hot tubs and saunas at health clubs. And smoothies. I love smoothies.
