Headphones were blaring the Hope College Worship Band CD, Fill the Streets, and "Praise to the Lord the Almighty, King of Creation" was playing and the sound in my ears went to a place in my heart and touched right there where the soft tissue was hiding and BINGO! I fell apart kneeling on the pavement with the Quickrete Patch bottle in my hands.
Why? I think it was these timeless words that finally found the tender place: Ponder anew what the Almighty can do, if with his love he befriend thee. It struck deep, the thought that his love has been so active in my life, and I haven't noticed. When I look behind me, I see the tracks of his love, the evidence of his work, the skill of his merciful hands.
It's his patching. The BIG CRACK in my heart, made by the years, had been repaired. That crack had kept me wary of ministry and leary of church in general, willing to avoid at any cost the ensnarements of personal contact. Could it be that while I was protecting myself, he was at work patching the breach? While I was concerned with keeping the crack away from anything that would make it worse, spread it apart further, and make it hurt more, is it possible that he was gently, faithfully filling it in with his grace?
I'm not worthy of his skill, his artistic work. My failings and weaknesses have made that crack wider, deeper. But his fingers work the mortar of his love into the gaps, and the trail left behind is a testament to his amazing ability.
I fell on the ground, hands and knees bent in humility, sobbing. I don't know if I can do this thing. I don't know if I have what it takes to be "in the ministry" again. But I know this, and will hang on to it:
Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wond'rously reigneth.
Shelters thee under his wings, yea, so gently sustaineth.
Hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what he ordaineth?